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spam.

Like every blog in the universe, we get lots of spam in our comments section from random bots trying to add links to sites. It’s a pretty awesome part of my day, going in to make sure all the spam is actually spam, because once in a while a real comment goes there by mistake. The reason it’s awesome is because often, the fake comments that are supposed to pass as a real reader’s thoughts on a post are utterly nonsensical. The better ones look like vague praise, a random “Great article!” thrown in with a devious link to a weight loss calculator. However, those are actually few and far between. Often, the comments are just a random string of words that has no possible meaning. I wanted to share today’s example of this with you.

Hello admin did you had old videos ? I appreciate clerical evolve for my dad …

The comment is so awesome, I almost allowed it to attach to the post. It’s such a universal feeling right? Who doesn’t appreciate clerical evolve for their dad?

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Jenny Lewis [photogenic.]

Jenny Lewis is adorable.

The other day I had “Handle with Care” stuck in my head … I mean, it played over and over in my head as if stuck on repeat. I was just thankful it was actually a good song … anyway, after a while I realized  that the voices singing were not those of Tom Petty, Roy Orbison et al, but the voices of Jenny Lewis, M. Ward, and Benjamin Gibbard (that’s right, I called him Benjamin). So, you not only get a super cute picture of Ms. Lewis herself, but also her covering the aforementioned song with her own “supergroup”.

I feel like Jenny Lewis was the crush of every indie boy nationwide … that is, until Zooey Deschanel crashed the scene and started giving those same indie boys wet dreams. Both are hot in their own way. Jenny’s still got it, if you ask me.

And now for the song, as promised …

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watch this world series!

People of America, please watch this World Series!! Most of the time, when fun, upstart teams like these make it to the Fall Classic, no one watches.

Please don’t let the fact that the Red Sox and the Yankees aren’t playing this year keep you from watching. Enough with letting ESPN create this ridiculous good vs. evil mythology that play the gritty Red Sox against the evil empire of the Yankees. The Red Sox are not gritty, they are not the anti-Yankees. If the Yankees are Hitler, the Red Sox are Stalin. If the Yankees took a few years off from baseball, the Red Sox would be the Yankees. So, get over the Yankees, we get it, it’s hip to hate them… the jokes have all been told, we can all pretend that if your team started spending tons of money you would disown them based on principle, we can pretend like you have a moral leg to stand on when bitching about the Yankees payroll while your team’s owners get a free pass for taking profits and buying yachts instead of players. Still, there is nothing you can do about it, move on and realize there is more to baseball life than Yankee hatred.

Also, move on with your life and get over the Red Sox and the bizarre false mythology surrounding them, they spent $52 dollars just for the rights to talk to Dice-K, they don’t fit into the blue-collar, scrappy, low-budget category. The Yankees payroll is an amazing $206 million, the most in baseball, guess who clocks in at #2, those scrappy Red Sox at $162. The Red Sox are not the cure for baseball’s ills, you know who is? That’s right, the Rangers and the Giants.

Last year, ESPN talked an awful lot about the disparity between the Yanks payroll and that of the Phils. With the disparity being a comparison of $201 million to $113 million that’s more than fair right? Well, yeah, a Yankee shopping spree looks like the baseball equivalent of a round of Supermarket Sweep. My issue is that no one talked about payroll the year before, when the Phillies ($98 million) played the Rays ($43 million). Yep, the Phillies payroll more than doubled that of the Rays. If you all feel so strongly about payroll fairness, everyone should have been pulling for the Rays, it was a veritable David vs. Goliath story… instead ratings were sad, down somewhere between 17% and 25% for most games from the previous year.

Well, this year we get another shot at making things right. Although, this is more like David vs. slightly wealthier David. True, the Giants did start the year with a payroll of $97 million to the Rangers $55, but since opening day the Rangers have added Cliff Lee and like $90 million of the Giants cash is being dumped down the Zito toilet.

Neither of these teams was expected to make the playoffs by most, and yet, here they are in the World Series! Each team beat last year’s league champs to get this far! At the start of the year, the Rangers ranked 27 out of 30 in total payroll… 27 of 30!!!!

Watch this series!

Cliff Lee is probably the best playoff pitcher any of us will ever get to see, it’s superhuman how good he is. There is also a fair chance he’ll be on that Yankees team you hate so much next year, so root for him now while you still can. You’ll like it, trust me.

And sure, you all know Josh Hamilton, but Nelson Cruz is a monster, outside of Hanley Ramirez, he is probably the best player most of the country has never heard of.

And Tim Lincecum may look like a 14 year old girl, but he pitches like some sort of mythological god. The dude strikes someone out about as frequently as Glenn Beck says something bat-shit crazy. He’s as much fun to watch pitch as literally anyone I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched a lot of fucking baseball.

Please, America, do me this solid. Watch this World Series. For like five minutes, forget all that garbage that ESPN has brainwashed you into believing about the only teams that matter being your favorite team, the Red Sox and the Yankees, and realize that if you want anti-Yankees, they aren’t the Sawx, they are the two teams about to square off for all the marbles.

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betty white!

Finally, Betty White spends a few episodes making Community even better. If only she could be a series regular.

Also, I’ll offer my firstborn if someone can find a way to convince Danny Pudi and Donald Glover to be my friends.

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take off every 'zig.'

I’m sorry, friends. I am well aware that our posting frequency has been pretty lame lately. We’ve let you down, profoundly so. However, we are going to fix that in the upcoming days. I personally vow to be better about sharing awesome shit with all you folks out there in the internets.

And just to show you how serious I am, I have a message for the world wide web.

All your base are belong to us!

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inception, haters, and why i can't take it any more.

“I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Contrarians of earth: Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop writing about Inception.

This happens every time people start going apeshit about something. Suddenly, haters sprout up like weeds bashing it, griping about how overrated it is, writing long diatribes about how much they hate it. People, like myself, rave about how much they love Inception and then other people actually spend time writing about how no one anywhere should ever love it, under any circumstances.

Stop wasting everyone’s time, especially your own. Instead, use all that energy and passion raving about something that’s better, something you feel is more worthwhile.

First, to the general problems I have with hating on movies to begin with.

Movies are an art form, a creative medium, and watching a movie is a subjective experience. We can pretend all we want that our claims about the movies we love and the movies we hate are objective facts, but it just isn’t true. The mood we are in, the people we are with, the audience at the theater for that particular showing, some random chemicals firing in our head, all sorts of crazy subconscious shit bubbling up unbeknownst to us… there are an endless number of factors influencing how we feel about a film (or about anything for that matter).

So, why does it make you so angry that you want to prove to the people who love something that they are deluded and weak-minded? It’s insane. What bothers you so much about people who love Slumdog Millionaire, or Juno, or Crash?

The most common argument I’ve seen is that the contrarians are film advocates, that they are just steamed that subpar films are getting attention over great films. Bullshit. If that was the case, why are you wasting more ink on the film you hate, thus giving it more attention?!? Sure, make snarky comments with your friends, make fun of it in passing while you are writing about something else, but how much energy do you really want to expend trying to rain on someone else’s parade? Why would you want to rain on someone else’s parade to begin with? They are having a fucking parade, be happy for them!

Instead of whining and complaining, make a commitment that every time you see a [insert movie you hate here] article, you are going to write about Kurosawa and Wenders, or rave about Korean cinema, or try to get everyone to watch your favorite unrecognized movie. That, my friends, is advocacy. Negativity and criticism advocates nothing but negativity and criticism.

Also, why does it seem that everything written whining about a movie being generic and derivative is written so… well, generically and derivatively. You are going to complain about a movie being uninspired drivel by writing your own uninspired drivel? Come, again. (That’s what she said.)

Now, on to my problems with people complaining about Inception specifically. The complaints about Inception are particularly baffling. Sure, there are some people who hate it, but most of the people debating it are debating whether or not is a masterpiece, or just really good.

Really?!?

To quote Eli Cash, “Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone’s not a genius? Do you especially think I’m not a genius?”

I’m pretty smart, and unquestionably passionate about the things I love. I could come up with a bunch of pretty solid arguments and big words to prove Inception was brilliant, then you could use similarly solid arguments and big words to prove it wasn’t. The question is, why? We both like it, why are we going to argue about just how much one should really like it? Talk about minutia. It’s the epitome of insipid. Let’s just get it out of the way now, if you want to spend time trying to convince me Inception wasn’t great, I’m not interested.

However, to briefly rave about the film a bit more, it is brilliant storytelling. Without spoiling it with specifics, there is a particular moment in the film where a large number of people at our screening made audible noises. Not out of fear, or disgust, but because they were so engaged in the story. Nolan told a heady, complicated story, and still had a cinema full of Americans involuntarily making noises because they were not only following along, but were on the edge of their proverbial seat (actually, my friend Austin sat in front of me, and there were times he was on the edge of his literal seat). I thought that maybe this phenomenon was unique to my viewing, or to my city, but as it would turn out, Warner Bros. has been pulling down video from the internet where viewers were using cell phones to document theaters full of people making noise at the exact same moment all across the country. To quote our vice president, that’s a big fucking deal.

Okay, back to my diatribe. I guess the thing that bothers me so much about this is how much energy people put into being negative. It’s really easy to hate on stuff, it’s lazy. Our culture actually says you are smart because you can critically tear something apart. That’s just not true. Tearing something apart is simple. Building something up is hard. You actually put yourself on the line when you praise something, that’s scary. Throwing temper tantrums because all the other kids like stuff that you don’t like is, well, you know.

I have tons more to say about this, but I’m going to stop for now. Suffice it to say that I implore you to put something positive into the world instead of being so negative.

Learn to advocate the things you love with more passion than you bitch about the things you hate.

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western #23, 'high noon.' [another day, another movie.]

This one is considered an uberclassic. A huge deal. In my experience, it was hit or miss.

First off, the huge miss… the entire film includes a terrible, overly literal theme song that basic just tells you the plot of the film. Horrible!

Other than that, the film is good through almost the entire thing. I enjoyed Gary Cooper as the lead, Grace Kelly played the hottest Quaker in history, and throughout the film the story built really great tension, both between the characters, and in general as things looked more and more hopeless for our poor lawman.

Yet, all that tension leads to a pretty lackluster finale. It was the western equivalent of the woman who waits until marriage for sex, only to have her husband fire his pistol early on their wedding night. I was left with a, “THAT is what we have been waiting for?” feeling.

I used to give old movies the benefit of the doubt, assuming that over the generations since their release, something got lost in translation. However, Kurosawa changed that. Not only was he making movies around the same time as this one, he was also making them in Japan, so there was far more translating to do, and his films were brilliant just the same.

High Noon is good, don’t get me wrong, but in my experience it pales in comparison to a bunch of these other films I’ve been watching.

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western #17, 'dead man.' [another day, another movie.]

This 1995 film by Jim Jarmusch was yet another movie that blew me away. Like any Jim Jarmusch film, it was full of overt metaphor, absurdity, and off-kilter performances. I loved it!

It’s amazing the way Jarmusch, as well as the entire cast, were able to use absurdity to tell a story that also felt so down to earth and real. The storytelling is so careful and intentional, and Jarmusch is a master at creating moments where the hilarious is always touched by the tragic, and the tragic by the hilarious. My experience of it was at once darkly humorous and heartbreaking.

It was by far the least conventional of the Westerns, but it included most of the themes and clichés nonetheless, albeit turning most of them on their heads and critiquing them.

I said it once, and I’ll say it again, I loved this movie!

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