It’s been a dark time for me, lately. The sort I’m not sure I can make it through. In addition to my depression, which makes it nearly impossible to get out of bed for work every day, I also have this weird thing where I get mono symptoms every so often. It happens more when I am stressed or overtired, and with insomnia and an 8-5 job I am always overtired. Right now I am in the throes of exactly that sort of time. My energy, which is always low, is non-existent, and the depression has latched onto it with a vengeance.
I’m at the point of wanting to give up on everything. I have no hope left. I just want to curl up in a dark room and stay there for the next six months. Despair is a difficult thing to face. There is nothing I can do to change it. I’ve been trying to do my ‘Things I’m Thankful For’ posts because I’ve heard that making lists of things you are thankful for improves brain chemistry. So far, the whole fake it ’til you make it philosophy is not helping to pull me out of the darkness.
I want to write for a living, but I’m coming to a place where I’m starting to realize more and more that I just don’t have the talent for that. That feels like an overwhelming reality. A death I can’t imagine overcoming. I still want to believe that if I was able to devote all of my time to writing fiction I would be good enough to write something worthwhile, but at the end of the day I just don’t have a realistic prospect in which I have any energy left over after a day or week of work to pour myself into fiction the way I would want to.
To say it is frustrating is too much of an understatement. I’m not really sure what to do, so I am just writing this steam of consciousness blog post in the hope I might exorcise a demon or two, while also sending the proverbial message in a bottle out into the vast sphere of the internet, hoping that something will stick in my life and something will somehow start to make sense.