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wine.

I’m continuing to rewrite trigger fiction stories and post them here because I don’t know what else to do with them. This one hasn’t changed much, but it was one of my favorites from the early-going of trigger fiction.

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Marco awkwardly sat down across the table from his brother. They hadn’t spoken in three years, and before arriving he wasn’t sure his brother would even show up, but here they were. He set the bottle on the table between the two of them before nervously adjusting the sleeves of the shirt that poked out from beneath his sweater.

This was a date that had been set for some time. Their father had left them little when he died, but for one remarkable thing: a bottle of 1947 Château Cheval Blanc. It is one of the rarest and most valuable wines in the world, praised by many as the greatest wine ever bottled.

Since he’d left it to both of them, they’d decided that on the ten year anniversary of their father’s death, they would get together and share the bottle, just the two of them. They picked a restaurant they hoped would survive the ten years, even picked a time.

Much had happened since then. That was before the betrayals and infidelities, before the words that couldn’t be taken back, before the screaming match the finally resulted in Freddie storming out the door and out of Marco’s life for the last three years.

There had been no contact. Not a single phone call or email, no birthday cards or messages through a friend. It had been complete silence.

So, Marco didn’t know whether or not to expect Freddie to show. Marco had the bottle of wine, and while he warred with himself for the last few months, he had decided to honor the memory of their father and keep the date they’d made ten years earlier.

When Marco arrived, Freddie was already there, seated at what had been their regular table. As Marco sat down across from Freddie, he was surprised. He’d expected that upon seeing his brother the anger of past hurts would flare up again, but instead he felt only sadness. He didn’t realize how much he’d missed Freddie’s face until this moment. He blinked back tears before Freddie might notice the moisture and nodded to his brother.

There were a few moments of awkward silence, neither being sure what to say after all this time. Freddie’s face was unreadable, Marco couldn’t tell if his brother’s was feeling hatred or remorse, or something else altogether.

Marco called the waiter over to uncork their bottle, and they waited in silence for the wine to breathe. Time passed slowly, and each stared awkwardly at the table, their silverware, other diners, anywhere but at each other. It was agony. They ordered food and ate in silence, waiting for the wine to be ready, not wanting to rush the bottle while also wishing to be anywhere else in the world.

“Well, shall we?” As Marco spoke, his voice cracked from so long in silence.

Freddie just nodded.

Marco poured them each a glass, slid one across the table to Freddie and took his own.

Freddie raised his glass, “To Papa.”

It took Marco a moment before he could respond, it was the first he’d heard Freddie’s voice in so long and he felt the sadness return. “To Papa.”

Marco sipped the wine. His eyelids closed as his eyes rolled back into his head involuntarily. Nothing could have prepared him for the overwhelming beauty he was tasting. It was otherworldly. Full and strong and smooth, lacking any hint of acid or harshness. It tasted divine, miraculous. He took another sip, drawing in more this time.

So many flavors sang in harmony on Marco’s tongue. Chocolate and caramel, earth and leather, pepper and… was that mint? It was overwhelming. Marco looked across the table, Freddie seemed to be experiencing much the same thing. He returned Marco’s stare, their eyes met for the first time before Freddie looked down at his glass. Yet, before their brief gaze broke Marco was sure he saw a smirk on Freddie’s face. Not just any smirk, that trademark Freddie smirk that always meant he was trying to keep from laughing. It was the face he wore when he was trying and failing miserably to keep a straight face while lying.

Freddie held his glass up to the light, stared for a moment, and then turned his face back to Marco. “Holy shit, man.” He smiled for a moment, then both men burst into laughter. They laughed until they cried, and when they finally stopped each man knew that not all of the tears were from the laughter. There were nuances of other feelings in that moment, relief and intimacy and love and thankfulness. Some of the anger stayed on the tongue as well, but tempered as it was by all these other flavors it took on a new character.

Marco took another long taste of the wine. He was amazed how varied the flavor of wine can be, full of so many things. A moment and a vintage are alike in that each has the ability to take on flavor from its surroundings, from its aging, from its care, and still each has the power to surprise.

Marco marveled at how this strange process of death and fermentation and rest can create flavors of spice and sweetness, fruit and candy and chocolate, can draw in the nuance of the earth and the sunshine that nurtured the grapes, and can give off a taste of beauty and redemption, salvation and reconciliation.

He took the bottle, and poured them each another glass.

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i see a darkness.

It’s been a dark time for me, lately. The sort I’m not sure I can make it through. In addition to my depression, which makes it nearly impossible to get out of bed for work every day, I also have this weird thing where I get mono symptoms every so often. It happens more when I am stressed or overtired, and with insomnia and an 8-5 job I am always overtired. Right now I am in the throes of exactly that sort of time. My energy, which is always low, is non-existent, and the depression has latched onto it with a vengeance.

I’m at the point of wanting to give up on everything. I have no hope left. I just want to curl up in a dark room and stay there for the next six months. Despair is a difficult thing to face. There is nothing I can do to change it. I’ve been trying to do my ‘Things I’m Thankful For’ posts because I’ve heard that making lists of things you are thankful for improves brain chemistry. So far, the whole fake it ’til you make it philosophy is not helping to pull me out of the darkness.

I want to write for a living, but I’m coming to a place where I’m starting to realize more and more that I just don’t have the talent for that. That feels like an overwhelming reality. A death I can’t imagine overcoming. I still want to believe that if I was able to devote all of my time to writing fiction I would be good enough to write something worthwhile, but at the end of the day I just don’t have a realistic prospect in which I have any energy left over after a day or week of work to pour myself into fiction the way I would want to.

To say it is frustrating is too much of an understatement. I’m not really sure what to do, so I am just writing this steam of consciousness blog post in the hope I might exorcise a demon or two, while also sending the proverbial message in a bottle out into the vast sphere of the internet, hoping that something will stick in my life and something will somehow start to make sense.

 

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kraken – china miéville. [fictionista.]

I loved this book, and yet it took me forever to finally get through it. The reason was mostly medication related, but I just couldn’t get myself to sit in one place and read/write/do anything. Well, I made some medication changes and flew threw the book’s final 300 pages like the I should have flew through the whole thing.

Billy Harrow works as a curator at The Natural History Museum, in London. One day, while giving a tour, he makes the discovery that, impossibly, from the middle of the museum someone has stolen a nine meter tank, thousands of gallons of brine-Formalin, and the body of a giant squid which resided within, without a trace. An impossible crime. That’s right before things start to get really weird.

Billy is then thrust into an occult London, filled with impossible characters and criminals. He must help find the missing squid, and hopefully avert a fiery apocalypse that will not only end the world, but will make it so that the world has never existed.

Unlike anything else you’ve read, unless you’ve read other China Miéville. Wildly imaginative, with a dark sense of humor. It’s definitely not for everyone, but for people like me I highly recommend it.

 

 

 

 

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my sasquatch playlist. [things i’m thankful for – #13]

I know, I know. Lots of Sasquatch stuff lately. I’m excited, sue me. I’ve been listening to a playlist of all the music I own of bands lined up for Sasquatch. I keep downloading more, and I already discovered some great stuff I would have taken a while to get around to otherwise.

Sasquatch, the gift that keeps on giving.

Here is one band I am liking so far, courtesy of the wonderful little festival at the Gorge.

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there is no tomorrow, only today.

As Ed woke up, it quickly dawned on him that today was the day he was finally free to go. After long years in bondage, today he would finally walk free. He sat up, washed himself and dressed. His movements were pregnant with hope and promise. He was filled to the brim with optimism.

A guard came to his cell door, opened it, and walked inside with breakfast. The two shared smiles, but no words. The guard placed breakfast on the small table to the left of the bed, then briefly and affectionately squeezed Ed’s shoulder before leaving.

Ed picked at this breakfast, and then sat at the edge of his bed, staring at the open cell door for some time. He didn’t know where to begin, how to put one foot in front of the other to leave. His hope was slowly and steadily replaced with fear. What awaited him outside? He couldn’t remember a time before living in his prison, or even why he was there.

Eventually, the same guard came in and left Ed lunch. Ed ate lunch before again sitting on his bed and staring at the cell door. The door to his cell actually led directly outside. He could see the sunshine and clouds outside his door, but instead of making him feel comfort it terrified him. His cell was small, constricting, but safe. There were no decisions to make in his cell, no ambiguity or uncertainty. His reality was the cold, drab world of his captivity, and the beauty outside was cripplingly intimidating.

A different guard brought dinner, again without a word being said.

Ed ate his dinner, and afterward decided to lie down for a bit. After a few hours, a guard came and closed the door to his cell. Soon, it was totally dark.

As Ed drifted off to sleep, his last thought was the realization that tomorrow would finally be the day he was free to go. And he slept a happy sleep, full of the optimism the next day offered.

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sasquatch tickets!! [things i’m thankful for – #11]

The site was down for a while. Did anyone notice? But we’re back up, and this time, with Sasquatch tickets!!!!

We got an email from LiveNation with a presale code, and Emily got online at 10am yesterday when the presale began and snagged two tickets to ensure that we will be sweating, dancing, and concerting the hell out of Memorial Day Weekend.

Here are the bands I already know for sure I want to see, which is why there will be some agonizing decisions to make when the schedule is released this spring.

Jack White, Beck, Bon Iver, Pretty Lights, Tenacious D, The Shins, Beirut, Girl Talk, The Roots, The Head & The Heart, Portlandia, Feist, Metric, Explosions In The Sky, Mogwai, M. Ward, Childish Gambino, St. Vincent, The Civil Wars, Little Dragon, The Walkmen, Blitzen Trapper, The Cave Singers, Shabazz Palaces, Sbtrkt, Shearwater, Gardens & Villa, Fresh Espresso, Nick Kroll

And that’s before starting to listen to the other bands who will be there to familiarize myself with the upcoming awesomeness.

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