Tonight I found out that the bar I work for will no longer be open on Mondays, which is a shift I work from open to close. That’s a pretty massive hit to my paycheck. There are plenty of positives to take away from this: primarily, I don’t want to work there anyway and this will hopefully provide even more motivation to find a new gig. However, positive isn’t how I’m feeling about it. What it really does is throw into sharper contrast how far I am from where I want to be, how frustrated I am with where I am in my life right now. I truly believe I’m capable of so much more than what I am doing now, but I am where I am and that’s all that’s real. Potential, talent, smarts, hopes, dreams, whatever… they are all fictional if they never materialize into something more tangible. I don’t want potential, I want vocation, I want to be the person I think I am capable of being. Instead, this setback shows me that I am nowhere near that.
I could spin it positively, but that would be a lie. What I’m really feeling is frustration and anxiety.
What does one do when this is the feeling and circumstances of the day? Well, for one, polish up the resumé and apply to as many places as possible. For another, listen to OutRun by Kavinsky, because sometimes what I need is a conceptual French House album based on 80’s movie scores about a teenager who is killed in 1986 when he crashes his Testerossa and returns from the dead, his soul fused with his car, to make electronic music. Okay, so I always need that, I just need it more some nights.