john wesley nelsonsonton: an extraordinary life.

It seems to me that it is a good idea to introduce each of our primary contributors here with a bit of a biography. However, it would be terribly boring to allow each of us to introduce ourselves. Instead, each of us will introduce one of the other writers here at RtM however we see fit.

Thus, I bring you the story of John Wesley Nelsonsonton, aka, Waldo Nelsonsonton, who, to my knowledge, will go by Wes or Wesle (no ‘y’ because he isn’t actually a man) here on RtM. For legal reasons, I should point out that this biography has been published before on a previous blog. However, there have been updates from recent events.

John Wesley Nelsonsonton was born in 1983 on a warm September morning in the dance hall of a socialist commune, just outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. The fact that he was named for the English preacher and religious reformer was actually a drug induced accident. His parents, in an acid induced haze, had actually intended to name him after another famous John. Rather than the founder of Methodism, they meant for his name to honor a comedic actor best known for his role on ‘Three’s Company,’ an American sitcom famous for it’s physical humor and sexual innuendo. Thus it can be argued that in light of the wishes of his parents, we might more accurately refer to our subject as John Ritter Nelsonsonton.

John’s parents would pay for their unfortunate drug habit in that their son more closely resembled his given name than his intended name. He was known around the commune much more for his religious devotion and uncanny ability to create small cells of believers who methodically went about their spiritual observance, than for his comic timing. Being atheists, with an abiding love of broad humor, this disappointed them terribly.

Excelling in school in all subjects but Math, he would have graduated at the head of his class. I say ‘would have‘ because the school at the commune didn’t give out letter grades, but instead gave out colors to correspond to the mood of their students. Being terribly frustrated at the absurdity of such a system, John was frequently evaluated with the color black and dropped out of school at the age of 16.

After dropping out, John held his head high. He moved to the nearby kingdom of Hyrule, where he saved Zelda, the princess of the realm, who had recently been kidnapped. The rescue led to a torrid love affair between the two, ultimately resulting in a tumultuous celebrity marriage that ended after only 4 months. During the divorce, John successfully sued for half the kingdom of Hyrule, only to lose it a year later after being indicted for tax fraud.

Having learned his lesson about trying to cheat your government, John decided it was high time he went to college. It was then, during his freshman year, that he would receive the nickname ‘Waldo’ that we all know him by now. The nickname was given to him by friends, this due to a combination of his fondness for horizontally striped red and white shirts, and his proclivity and adept ability to blend in to large crowds in order to avoid unwanted attention. As you all know, the nickname stuck.

It was soon after he’d adopted this new nickname that I came upon Waldo. The two of us became fast friends, only to have a bitter falling out my senior year (his junior year) due to an argument about the fairness of pudding being segregated based on color, or flavor. The two of us didn’t talk for three and a half years until 2006, when Waldo approached me with a challenge to a blogging battle of wits. I believe that both of us hoped, deep down inside, that while being brought on by our intense competitive natures, this challenge would reopen the lines of communication and thus resurrect our friendship.

In a way this did turn out to be the case, as a result of some bad translation software, our blogging challenge led to a misunderstanding in which the North Korean government thought Waldo and I were speaking ill of their “great” leader, thus they sent super-assassins to kill us. Obviously, super-assassins are nothing to be trifled with, and it was necessary for Wesle and I do join forces. We fought, sliced, punched, chopped, spooned, and outwitted our way through a series of terrible battles with said assassins until we were finally safe again. Wait, did I say ‘spooned’? Ha, no, that obviously isn’t true. I am totally straight. I meant doomed, like, we doomed our enemies. Yes, that works.

Anyway, we emerged from our battle with the North Koreans sharing the brotherhood that can only come from spilling the blood of common enemies together. We have been reconciled, and as it would turn out, things have gone so well that we came up with this little project here at Roused to Mediocrity.

Anyway, back to his life story. After graduating from college with a degree in Quantum Physics (and a minor in Marine Biology), Waldo moved to California where he lives to this day.  He’s written a number of books, including Love the Waldo Way: How to Get Any Girl to Fall in Love With You In Four Hours, Personal Finance and You: How Illegal Pirating is Actually the Best Way To Have All You Want and Still Invest in Your Future, and Fallen From Grace: My Story of Sinking From Hero of Hyrule to World Class Laughingstock and How to Stop it From Happening to You!

He currently lives in Sacramento, California, with his second wife, Margaret, and their two children Mario and Lopez.

*If you have any questions about the life of John Wesley [Waldo] Ritter Nelsonsonton, please feel free to contact me or buy my book on Amazon, published by TotallyReal Books – In The Shadow of Greatness: The Real Story of My Doomed Friendship With Waldo Nelsonsonton Because I Was Simply Far Too Awesome.