It has been almost two months since I last posted on RtM, and even that was just mini-post, merely a shared video. It’s been quite a while since this was a place I actually wrote things, and shared ideas and things I am currently in love with on a consistent basis. I haven’t even been posting trailers and whatnot, and I’ve missed sharing some good ones!
I’ve been in a sort of creative hibernation, and that is putting it generously. I haven’t been the old me for some time, it has felt like massive chunks of myself have been frozen and unfeeling. For a while, it didn’t feel like hibernation, it felt like death, and I still worry that many parts of myself that I cherished the most will never return to life.
However, there are small signs that things might be taking a turn for the better. I’m still far more forgetful and disorganized than usual (a common symptom for me when the depression gets particularly bad on a physiological level), sleep has been a joke, I’m way behind on school work, and I still don’t hold out much hope for tomorrow. And yet, I’m starting to enjoy things again. I never fully stopped, there were always moments in the right company, or in response to the right story or other art where I would be moved internally, where that glacial mass in my chest would move for something other than just pain. It’s starting to get more common again, though. I’ve been spoiled by great books so far this year, seen some pretty lovely films, and enjoyed some delicious cocktails to name just a few of the things that have gotten my wondering if perhaps my own creative instinct might respond to the beautiful creativity of others.
It occurs to me that while Roused to Mediocrity might not be the most creative thing I do, it makes sense as a place to re-enter the creative world. It is the creativity of others that is inspiring me to dream of dreaming again, and hope I might hope again, to dare to wonder if creation might be something I am again capable of. Thus, it makes sense for me to pour some of my energy into playing with the ideas and creations of others in this space, and sharing it with the few of you who read along with me. It will indeed be clumsy and awkward, I bet, because parts of me will still be suffering from the effects of having been frozen in carbonite. Hopefully, soon enough the hibernation sickness will wear off and I’ll be able to see again with my old eyes, to make the connections and create the metaphors I used to enjoy so much.
Anyone who knows me, especially the internet facet of me, will know that I can never just leave these things to chance. I have to create some sort of challenge or goal to keep me motivated. For example, I don’t just start watching Westerns, I watch one every day for a month. So, the same is true in this moment. A select few of you will remember how the blogging life of Scott Small got started in earnest, it was many moons ago, back when VOX was still an existing blog platform. A friend and I (for the purpose of the internet he is referred to by me as Waldo Nelsonsonton) entered into a blogging challenge. We each had to post something new every single day, and the first person to miss a day lost. Our desire was that we would grow as writers and in the ways of self-discipline. For my part, self-discipline is still a losing battle, but I have definitely grown as a writer because of how much I enjoyed that challenge with Waldo back then. So, I am entering into a challenge with myself. I need to post something new every day, even if it is just a sentence, in the hopes it will get me working and writing and creating again on a consistent basis.
I’m going to put some of my energy here in the hopes that I get a return on the investment in the form of renewed passion and vigor to write elsewhere, too. Here’s to hoping. And thanks to the happy few of you who join me in reading how it goes.